Winterlove
by What-a-Beautiful-Letdown
Summary: A Remus/Tonks songfic spanning five winters. 'Tis the season for snow, holiday celebrations, gloom, and undue expectations of love and happiness. I own no rights to HP or any lyrics.
1. Winter I

**Thanks for checking out this bit of holiday fluff and drama! This story will consist of five one-shots, told over five winters. This one is set during the winter of _Goblet of Fire_ \- they will be chronological.**

**Disclaimer: I own no rights to _Harry Potter _by J.K. Rowling or "Winterlove" by Parachute. I'm just letting my imagination run wild, here.**

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Winter I: _One More Year of Waiting_

_Oh it's one more year of waiting  
One more month of all alone  
One more day is fading  
Just bring me back my winterlove_

"This time of the year is just so _magical_," sighed the pretty brunette as she gazed dreamily at the festive evergreen and fairy light decorations in various Diagon Alley shop windows.

"Marcella, I hate to shatter the illusion, but we are witches," her friend, all bright pink next to contrasting blacks and grays, replied in a mockingly gentle tone. "So, really, every day is magical for us."

"Tonks, you know what I mean," Marcella laughed off the other woman's comment. The pair reached their apparent destination, Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop, but Marcella turned on her heel before entering so that she was facing Tonks. "Thank you again for coming with me. Are you sure you're fine with this? I know Rolf said he didn't mind bringing a friend and you seemed like you were interested, but I get it if you'd rather not spend your free Saturday evening in a tea parlour."

"It's _fine_, I promise," Tonks smiled and pushed past the brunette to push the door open with her tangerine mittened hands. The two women entered and paused to take off their outerwear. As they unwound scarves, she added in a sing-sing voice, "Besides, flatmates don't let flatmates get killed on blind dates the week before Christmas."

"You're a lifesaver," Marcella muttered out of the side of her mouth as the two made their way through the crowded restaurant. "Tea and biscuits on me."

The tea parlour was bustling with witches and wizards stopping in after holiday shopping or catching up with loved ones around the holiday, so it took a few minutes of weaving between the assortment of pouf chairs, armchairs, and booths to reach a table with two men already seated. One was taller, with wavy auburn hair, warm brown eyes, and a boyishly charming smile; this was Rolf, Marcella's friend-of-a-friend. The man next to him had near white, tousled blonde hair, green eyes, and the bone structure of a Greek statue. His smirk was less warm and more entitled – but there was no harm in arm candy, Tonks reminded herself as they sat down. The pouf cushions and low table made it impractical for the men to stand up to greet them, but Marcella didn't seem to mind as she immediately plopped down and scooted closer to Rolf under the pretense of being able to hear better.

"What was your name, again?"

"Oh – erm, it's Nymphadora, but you can just call me Tonks," the witch answered. She added two sugar cubes to her teacup before pouring over the hot tea. "And you are? Sorry, it's just I wasn't given really any details about you."

"Tobias Filmont, I work with Rolf at Gringotts," he let one hand rest on the table right next to her teacup, as if waiting like a Venus Flytrap for its prey to get close. "Nymphadora is such a stately name, you must hear all the time how lovely it is."

"Not really," Tonks busied her hands in her lap, toying with the pom-poms on the end of her slate colored sweater, and ground her teeth. Clearly accompanying Marcella was not going to be even as half as fun as she had hoped – blind dates really were awful. "So what do you do at Gringotts?"

Tobias began about international loan regulations and his spacious office, but Tonks zoned him out from the start. She couldn't help but to glance around at the other customers; they were mostly all cuddly couples, chatty groups of friends, and families meeting and sharing stories. She seemed to be the only person not enjoying herself in the infectious holiday weekend atmosphere. It wasn't her scene and Tobias was certainly not her type. Tonks wondered if Marcella was right, and this time of year was magical provided you were in good company. The witch sighed almost inaudibly and tried to bring herself back to the one-sided conversation in front of her. If this year was serving as any indication, she was due for an overwhelmingly cheerful and magical holiday next year.


	2. Winter II

**Disclaimer: I don't have any rights to _Harry Potter _by J.K. Rowling or "Winterlove" by Parachute. I'm just playing pretend.**

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Winter II: _Kiss Me So Slowly_

_And the world keeps going  
As you kiss me so slowly  
As your blue eyes they say goodbye_

The winter of 1995 gave Nymphadora Tonks reason to question her established feelings about the season. As a child, she hated the snow because she would return inside cold and wet. Later, as a teenager at Hogwarts, winter meant chilly stone floors and girls giggling in the dormitory as they plotted to snuggle up to boys around the fireplace. Tonks' direct nature carried over to her approach to romance, so she couldn't understand spending months obsessing over a crush yet never saying more than hello to the person. To her dismay, adults are also more prone to romantic whims during the winter, as Tonks' blind date with Tobias had proven to her.

This year, Christmas and the week leading up to it had been rough for other reasons; they were all on edge after Arthur's attack. Remus Lupin himself had appeared on her doorstep late in the night to tell her about the attack. She couldn't believe it – _right in the halls of the Ministry_ – and she made sure to visit the kind wizard while he was in St. Mungo's. Tonks spent Christmas with her parents, but joined the Order at Grimmauld a few days later when Arthur was sent home. As she expected, Molly was a nervous wreck and even more mothering than usual, and the kids were, for the most part, more subdued and shared anxious whispers more than raucous jokes. Sirius was increasingly grumpy; combined with the shortage of answers for the questions they all had, the mood at Grimmauld was thoroughly a downer.

"Knock, knock," Tonks leaned through the doorway of the study. Her stomach did a lurch when she saw that only Remus was inside, which is just what she was hoping. "Want to go for a walk? I know it might sound insensitive to Sirius, but I've _got_ to get out of this house."

"Er, sure," Remus fumbled to put his bookmark back in its place. Ever since she pecked him on the lips three days ago before leaving, he'd tried to keep as much distance as possible between them. Tonks knew that even if he felt awkward and unsure, he wouldn't want her to go out by herself after the attack on Arthur.

"Brilliant," she replied as he stood and stretched lightly.

"I see you're already dressed to go," the man chuckled, taking in her maroon coat, navy scarf and hat, and the tangerine mittens. "Give me a moment to duck up to my room and get my things, I'll meet you in the entrance hall."

* * *

"Where do you want to walk?"

"I'm not particular. Maybe just to the park a few blocks down and back?"

The pair set out and walked their first few minutes in silence, the only sound their breathing and the snow crunching underfoot. Tonks licked her lips from the drying air and drew in a breath to break the silence.

"How do you think Molly's doing?"

"She's a strong woman, they've been through war before," Remus reflected after a moment of thought. "But it's gotten personal again, and that can do a lot to crush a person's spirits. Almost her whole family is involved this time, and I can't imagine her worry about the children."

"I worry about you," Tonks blurted and immediately regretted it.

"You shouldn't," he replied curtly and stiffened next to her. "I'm sure you have more important things to worry over."

"See, that's the thing," she gently placed a hand on one of his elbows to stop him on the sidewalk. It was early evening and though it wasn't snowing currently, the ground was covered in almost a foot and that was beginning to refreeze; there was nobody else out in the weather. "You make these self-deprecating comments like that, but you're an important part of my life. I- I didn't expect it, but I can't ignore that you matter to me."

"Nymphadora, _please _don't say things like that," Remus closed his eyes.

"I can't just keep tamping my feelings down and pretending they don't exist! That's not healthy, Remus. We all have to feel."

"Yes, we all have emotions," Remus' voice was sharper than she'd ever heard it, and his expression was serious to match. "But what you're talking about is dangerous, and I can't start this with you."

"Start what?"

"I can't let myself act on these feelings for you because it would make life so much more difficult for you," Remus admitted and took a step toward her so that he was talking down to her – literally – in a low voice. She hadn't given a thought to being seen having this row in the middle of the street, but clearly he was trying to avoid a scene. "And I cannot burden the rest of your life with one stupid choice."

"Remus, I don't give a hippogriff's rump what others think, which should hardly come as a surprise to you," Tonks lowered her voice as well. "You're kind, and charming, and considerate, and one of the cleverest wizards I've ever known, even though you can be so dense sometimes."

"I'm a werewolf," his voice cracked on the last word, unable to bear the weight of the conversation.

"Well, fine, if you would rather avoid any chance you have of happiness because of a lifetime of shitty comments and oppression, sure," Tonks threw up her hands. "Let's all just give in to societal pressures, why bother fighting to change the way things are."

Remus paled in response, but couldn't form any words.

"See, I'm not wrong, or you would have a comeback for that."

He still didn't speak, so Tonks shook her head and stomped off in a huff. She was a few yards away when her foot slid on a patch of ice and she fell straight back. Her head knocked against the ground and she rolled over, but didn't get up.

"Tonks!" Remus called to her and sprinted the distance to where she lay. Her navy hat had flown off and was next to her in the snow; he was thankful to see that there wasn't any blood. He gripped her shoulder with one hand and gave her a small shake. "Tonks, are you awake? Can you hear me?"

At no response, Remus put a hand behind her head and rolled her over onto her back. To his relief, she let out a small groan and her eyes flickered open. His racing heartbeat slowed marginally.

"This is so typically stupid," the witch muttered. She used her fingertips to feel the back of her head, moaning again in response when she felt the lump forming. "I'll have a tender spot for a few days, but I think I'm fine. Can you help me stand up?"

Remus nodded and used his hand behind her head to angle her into a sitting position. Tonks screwed up her face at the change in elevation and he immediately paused.

"Alright, we'll go slowly. We can sit here for a few moments," he calmly told her while his hands kept supporting her neck and back. He did not expect his comforting words to cause the younger woman to burst into tears. "What's wrong, does something else hurt?"

"I'm sorry," was all the witch choked out. Remus rubbed her back reassuringly with his hand, but that only agitated her more. "This is just what I mean. You're the best person I know, and I can't just turn off how I feel when you keep being so kind to me."

Remus sighed and closed his eyes in response. Tonks' tears slowed and her snuffling breaths evened out a bit.

"Fuck it," the older man uncharacteristically swore before he leaned down to gingerly capture Tonks' lips in a kiss. Her eyes widened initially, but she began to slowly kiss him back. Their kiss lingered, and when Remus pulled away they both wore small smiles on their faces. "I suppose I'll give happiness a shot for once."

Tonks gave a short laugh and kissed him again. They remained that way for several minutes, her sitting propped up on the snowy ground and him crouching next to her, exchanging small kisses between laughter. Eventually Remus helped her up and supported her with an arm around her waist while they walked back to Grimmauld Place. Nymphadora Tonks had never been so at peace with her clothes soaked through from snow when she returned indoors.


	3. Winter III

**Disclaimer: I own no rights to _Harry Potter _or the song "Winterlove."**

Winter III – _Looking for a Place to Hide_

_Oh I've slept in every city_

_Drove through every countryside_

_Made friends with the shadows_

_Looking for a place to hide_

Between Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day lunch at the Burrow, Remus speculated he ate more food than he had during the entire past month. The busy Weasley home during the holidays was a complete change from the werewolf camps, and a bit overwhelming if he was honest. Molly kept throwing remarks his way about Tonks and his guilt complex was in overdrive; so, when he finally took his leave of the Weasleys and their guests, he apparated to the alley next to Tonks' apartment building. He pulled up the collar of his thinning cloak against the wind and pushed open the door into the lobby. Remus took a deep breath to summon his strength before knocking on apartment number eight. Shuffling noises could be heard on the other side of the door before a voice called out.

"Who's there?"

"It's me, Dora. It's Remus."

He had barely finished speaking when the locks clicked and Tonks opened the door by a few inches. She was leaning heavily on the edge of the door and looked up at him with a slow, sleepy expression.

"Well, well, well," Tonks paused to hiccup and Remus realized that she was not sleepy, but a bit tipsy. "I didn't think I'd see you again anytime soon. What's it been, about two months?"

"Probably close to two months, true," he nodded hesitantly. "Is it alright if I come in?"

Tonks gazed upward to stare at him levelly. Her silent, frosty response made Remus sure that she wasn't going to let him in. The thought popped into his mind that clearly he was intruding, prolonging her hurt by teasing her along with his intermittent visits. He had come to visit her twice since he went to stay with the packs. Both times his resolve had been weak and he went to bed with her. Surely Dora just needed time for the wounds to heal – restore her morphing, gain back the weight and sleep she'd lost, meet someone new – and he was not giving her that. He deserved –

"Of course," she finally responded. The door opened, but only wide enough that he had to brush past her to get inside. Their shoulders bumped and she grasped his hand briefly before he wriggled free and stepped to the side. Tonks sighed and shuffled toward the sofa, where she curled her legs under her. He noticed that her favorite plaid pajama bottoms were still looser on her than he remembered.

"Molly mentioned you were spending the holiday alone," Remus sat down next to her. "You didn't visit your parents?"

"Nope," Tonks replied, popping the letter p for emphasis. "Couldn't muster the energy to see people today and try to be cheerful. Told mum and dad I was going to visit Marcella and Rolf, and told them I was going to visit with my parents. Not having a flatmate works out nice sometimes."

"Dora, that's not healthy. You need to be out with people, not holed up in your flat."

"Doesn't really matter, I guess," she shrugged her shoulders. "And hey, now you're here, so I _have_ been with people today."

Remus sighed. He had not expected to be managing a drunk Tonks tonight, but then again he wasn't sure what to expect when he showed up unannounced.

"D'you want a hot toddy? Let me make you one," she pulled her wand from the pocket of her sweatshirt and tapped the teapot on the coffee table in front of them to reheat the tea. Remus noted that the bottle of Firewhiskey she was generously pouring into two mugs was almost half empty. She added the steaming tea - only sloshing a little on the table - and handed him a mug. "So how's life in the packs?"

"They're out raiding for the holiday week. More people traveling means empty houses they can hit without drawing too much attention. It's hard to move camp as much in the winter if we get noticed," Remus paused to take a sip of the drink and coughed. "You make a strong hot toddy."

"'Tis the season," Tonks laughed dryly. "Why are you here?"

"To check on you, Molly said you were alo-"

"I know I'm a bit sloshed, but that doesn't make much sense for someone who doesn't care about me," she retorted and took a long sip.

"It's not that I _don't _care about you, it's that I _shouldn't_. You don't need to be associated with a werewolf."

Tonks groaned and flopped her head backwards onto the cushions. "Bullshit, and you know it."

"No, let me lay this out for you _again,_" Remus said calmly. He set his mug on the coffee table and turned to face her. "You know as well as I do that the Ministry has always been anti-werewolf, and Greyback's increased activity is only worsening their views. I _can't _hold a job. I _can't_ marry. I _can't _breed. I _can't_ give you anything, and I will only get in the way of you having a happy, productive life. Do you know where I'll have to go when I leave here tonight?"

"Back to camp?" Tonks guess flatly.

"Not straightaway. I'll have to go back to my crumbling cottage in Yorkshire. I will wash these clothes to get off your scent specifically so that Greyback doesn't pick up on it. He's gotten suspicious of my leaving and returning with your scent and told me if I have a 'witch bitch' I'm visiting that he's going to bring her to camp for himself. So I have to wash my clothes then get them dirty again so that I don't stand out. Do you understand now why this relationship needs to be finished?"

"The only problem with your very logical explanation is that _you _came here tonight, _you _made that choice. So _you're_ not finished with me," Tonks jabbed a finger into his chest for emphasis.

"And I will never be finished with you," Remus caught her hand in one of his and held it. His blue eyes stared directly into hers as he continued huskily. "But _you need to be finished with me_."

"That's so hypocritical. Merlin, just leave. If you want this to end, fine, leave," Tonks slammed her now-empty mug on the table and jumped up. "But stop coming back to check on me if you're really ready to give up on this relationship."

"I need to make sure that you're doing alright," he said softly, still sitting on the sofa. "I'm sorry to keep disrupting your life, but I can't explain why I still feel like I have to know that you're doing fine, that I haven't hurt you too much."

"I can explain that feeling: you still care for me! It's that simple," Tonks shouted. "I love you, you love me, but you're too stubborn and noble to let go of all of these _stupid reasons -"_

"Your safety is not stupid. Your happiness is not stupid," Remus shook his head. "I just need you to be happy, even if I'm not."

"Do I seem happy?" Tonks screeched. Remus hoped she had silencing charms up or her neighbors were getting an earful. "I can't morph, I can barely sleep, and I'm getting myself drunk on Christmas to forget that I'm stuck in this limbo with you. What do you want? A place to crash when you need a night to feel more like yourself again? I can offer that. A shag every now and then with not strings attached? Sure, I have needs too. But make it clear for me."

"What I want is you, but I can't let myself."

"Then there's your answer," Tonks laughed haughtily. She left the room with both of their mugs and the teapot levitating behind her. Remus heard them all clatter into the kitchen sink, so he stood and walked toward the front door. As he began putting on his cloak, Tonks suddenly rounded the corner and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her face against his chest.

"I just need to feel you alive again, I'm always worried each time I see you will be the last," she muttered. Remus closed his eyes and lowered his chin to rest on the top of her head. Minutes passed as their breathing slowed and both relaxed. Finally, Remus exhaled deeply, kissed her forehead, and pulled away to finish pulling on his cloak, which had been hanging from one elbow. He felt the disappointment in her sigh when he grasped the door handle.

"Happy Christmas, Remus," a glance over his shoulder revealed that Tonks was standing in the same place. "If you ever need a place to hunker down and hide, I'll always open my door for you."

"Thank you, Dora," he offered a tight smile before departing. "Happy Christmas. Please take care of yourself."

With unsurprising self-loathing, Remus Lupin reflected that he was torn between two halves of himself and their desires, and too weak to fully listen to either. Quickly, he returned to the dark alley and apparated to Yorkshire.

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**So the Christmas chapter almost made it up on Christmas! Heh. This went through like four different versions before I made peace with it. Thanks for reading.**


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